Dancing with Discussions

Conversation Is Like Dancing

Around the world, people dance in many different ways. There is tango, salsa, hip hop, ballroom dancing, and hundreds of other styles.

But good dancers have something in common.

They respond to each other.

They feel the same rhythm. One person moves, and the other reacts. They are not simply doing their own dance next to each other. They are moving together.

Put a tango dancer in the middle of a group of club dancers, and something will immediately feel strange.

Nobody is necessarily dancing incorrectly. They are just following different rhythms.

Conversation works in much the same way.

Conversation Has a Rhythm

When you have a conversation in English, you are not simply waiting for your turn to speak.

You are constantly responding to the other person.

They say something interesting. You react. They tell you some good news. You react. They tell you something terrible. You react.

These little reactions help create the rhythm of a conversation.

One way to think about conversation is that we are usually doing one of four things:

1. Asking a question
2. Answering a question
3. Making a statement and adding information
4. Showing interest

Language students spend a lot of time practicing the first three.

But the fourth one is easy to forget.

What Does "Showing Interest" Mean?

Showing interest means giving small reactions while another person is talking.

These reactions tell the speaker:

"I'm listening. I understand. Keep going."

Imagine your friend says:

"Sorry I'm late. My dog actually ate a pillow off my couch right before I left!"

You could immediately ask a question.

But a more natural first response might simply be:

"Oh no! That's terrible!"

Or:

"Are you serious?"

Now imagine your friend says:

"I just found out I got into the college I wanted!"

You might respond:

"That's amazing!"

Or:

"You must be so happy!"

You have not really added new information. You have not even asked a question.

But you have done something very important.

You have shown that you care about what the other person said.

The Small Words That Hold Conversations Together

Natural conversations are full of these little reactions.

Listen carefully and you will hear expressions such as:

• Really?
• Oh, wow!
• That's great!
• Oh no!
• No way!
• That's too bad.
• I know what you mean.
• Right.
• Yeah.

None of these expressions is very difficult.

In fact, a beginning English student may know every word on that list.

The difficult part is knowing when to use them, how to say them, and which reaction fits the situation.

That knowledge comes largely from listening.

Perfect Grammar Can Still Sound Cold

Imagine someone tells you a long story.

You listen silently until they finish. Then you ask your next perfectly grammatical question.

Your English may be completely correct.

But the conversation can still feel a little strange.

Why?

Because while the other person was talking, you did not dance with them.

You did not give them the little signals that natural listeners usually give.

It is a little like standing perfectly still while your dance partner is moving around the room.

Good conversation is not only about producing correct sentences. It is about responding to another person in real time.

Every Language Dances Differently

There is another reason this can be difficult for language learners.

Every language and culture has its own ways of showing interest.

The reactions that sound natural in English may not translate perfectly into Japanese, Spanish, Arabic, Thai, or another language.

Even silence can have a different meaning from one culture to another.

So when you learn English, you are not only learning new words.

You are learning a slightly different conversational rhythm.

And just like dancing, that rhythm is difficult to learn from a written explanation alone.

Listen to the Listener

Here is a simple listening activity you can try.

The next time you listen to a natural interview or conversation, do something unusual:

Don't focus on the person telling the story. Focus on the listener.

What does the listener say while the other person is talking?

Listen for the little words:

Yeah. Really? Oh wow. Right. Mm-hmm. That's great. Oh no.

Notice the listener's voice too. Does it rise? Does it fall? Does the person sound excited, surprised, interested, or sympathetic?

You may be surprised by how much the listener is doing while apparently saying very little.

Those tiny reactions help keep the conversation moving.

Conversation is a dance. Speaking gives you the steps, but listening helps you find the rhythm.